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“There’s a lot of ugly things in this world, son. I wish I could keep ‘em all away from you."
-- Atticus Finch
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This is indeed a very touching and timeless thought in a father's mind for his son, from the novel titled "To Kill a Mockingbird" which was also a super hit English movie in the 60's...
This is indeed a genuine, sincere and heartfelt wish that every parent has for his or her child. At the same time we also sadly realise that this is something which is beyond our control.
There are perhaps only 2 things that we could do as parents to ensure that our child's future is as nearest as possible to the state as envisaged by Atticus Finch for his son in that novel:
1) Play an active role in the creation of a solid foundation on top of which his or her 'character' and 'value system' are built. Work closely with our child in shaping and moulding his or her 'character' and 'value system' as it evolves over the years from childhood to adolescence to adulthood.
2) Provide guidance and motivation to our child during the journey in which he or she discovers the ambitions or aspirations or dreams that are closest to his or her heart. And then most importantly provide unconditional support and wholehearted encouragement to our child in his or her pursuit of those dreams or ambitions or aspirations.
The foundation of a child's character and value system is fully hardened or solidified by the time he or she reaches the age of 12 and the construction of a semi-solid or flexible "super-structure" on top of the solid foundation would already be in progress. The most critical years in the life of a human being when the solidification or hardening of the “super-structure” happens is probably between 14-21 years of age with most of the process being fully complete by the age of 18.
The role of a parent during the critical phase of 14-18 years in a child’s life is essentially to instill and strengthen: sense of self-confidence; complete faith/belief in ones capabilities; ability to make independent decisions; a strong sense of right and wrong; tenacity to pursue their dreams; conviction and courage to stand up against what is wrong or what does not align with their value system; ability to love a person completely with ones heart; ability to face adversity and learning from failures or obstacles realizing that they form an integral part of life; ability to both receive/accept and give/display emotions such as: respect, love, honour, happiness, admiration, affection, loyalty, trust etc. ; a strong sense of responsibility and ability to take bottom-line for activities or commitments involving persons who either depend or rely or trust them to complete the activities or fulfill the commitments.
And finally parents must play a key role in reinforcing and fine tuning the ‘character’ and ‘value system’ of their child and establishing a ‘trajectory’ for the evolution of these 2 key elements for the rest of the child’s life.
In a nut shell parents must help create the following mindset or attitude in their child:
“As long as she follows her heart, adheres to her value system and core beliefs and sense of right or wrong, puts in her best efforts as per the best of her capabilities in a particular situation within the external constraints, NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. Whatever be the consequences, she should always maintain her self-esteem, self-confidence, strength of character and continue to live on with pride, conviction and dignity with her head held high…”
I spend a lot of time to try and express in a single phrase the entire essence of what I have said so far. After a lot of mulling, I felt the phrase coined by Mr. NR Narayana Murthy for Infosys was very apt in this context as well:
"POWERED BY INTELLECT AND DRIVEN BY VALUES"
THE INDIAN CONTEXT --- GIRL CHILD
With reference to the Indian context, I would like to underscore one very specific additional aspect which is especially pertinent for parents who have a girl child. It is not uncommon for parents of a girl child to be concerned or anxious about her happiness, safety and well being especially on the personal side of her life once she enters her teens.
This is quite understandable and natural considering the mindset of people in the society and also being aware of the daily happenings in the society. Traditionally the typical mindset of an Indian father would be to handover the upbringing of a girl child on many fronts to the mother once she reaches a particular age. More often than not, he would not play a major role in the process of shaping her character or values or beliefs or mindset. This needs to change. It is extremely important for a girl’s father to have a very deep connection and rapport with his daughter and must play a key role in shaping her character and value system in the critical 14-18 years phase of her life.
In addition to the points that I had mentioned in the earlier post, these are the KEY things which MUST be done by the girl’s FATHER during this critical phase of her life:
1) A girl should have complete confidence, faith and trust that her father would unconditionally support, protect or defend her and do everything possible within his means at the time of need
2) A girl must be able to experience in real life as to “how a gentleman treats or interacts or behaves with a lady” in the course of her interactions with her father in daily life
3) A girl must be able to experience as to “how it actually feels to be treated with dignity, trust, love, value for her opinions, respect for her intellect etc” during the course of her interactions with her father.
4) A girl must feel totally free and comfortable to be able to fearlessly and confidently discuss anything and everything under the Sun with her father.
What the above things do is that they will at first immensely build her self confidence and self esteem. Gradually she will understand the importance and emotions or feelings associated with values like dignity, respect, love, trust etc by actually experiencing these values in action. She would also be able to appreciate as to how it feels when someone values her opinion or respects her intellect or treats her as an equal.
So when she goes on to choose a young man to become her life partner later on in life, she already has a base level of expectations in terms of behavioral traits and values that she would want to see in her partner and also the way she would liked to be treated by him. This would go a long way in being able to evaluate, assess and figure out the right man with good traits who is suitable for her during the course of interactions with young men either in college or at work. This will certainly help reduce the possibility of her falling into the hands of a wrong man….
#Musings #Life
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